The power struggle stage: the TikTok dating term explained

Falling in love and putting on rose-tinted glasses, we go through what is called the “honeymoon stage.” This is a period of blissfully carefree relationships where partners can’t go wrong, from affectionate eating habits to endlessly fascinating remarks on classic movies. .

But the honeymoon stage is just the stage.somewhere in between months to years(opens in new tab) Once in a relationship, these intoxicating feelings start to fade.The first panic begins to surge: Did I pick the right person? This is the beginning of what’s being called the “power struggle phase” that’s gaining traction on TikTok. #powerstrugglestage(opens in new tab) has amassed 101.2K views on TikTok, with people sharing their experiences and advice to help them get through this difficult time. But where exactly did this term come from?

The power struggle stage is one of five stages of relationships identified by psychologist and self-help author Dr. Susan Campbell in her 1980 book. couple trip(opens in new tab)Campbell Define(opens in new tab) The power struggle stage is “when the partner’s shortcomings become apparent and the focus shifts to trying to change the partner, punishing them for not being what they thought they were before, or both. This is the stage where most couples get stuck. They don’t have the necessary skills or tools to find balance.”

When does the “power struggle phase” occur?

At what point does a power struggle occur? ‘The power struggle stage can occur at any point in a relationship,’ explains sex and relationship expert Pippa Murphy condom(opens in new tab), a sexual health brand. “But it is more likely that it will appear during this period [post-honeymoon] Because so many changes are taking place, both physically and emotionally. For example, when you start spending time in each other’s homes, move in together, or get married.

This rude awakening comes from realizing that your partner has annoying habits and flaws just like us.

Once those rose-tinted glasses fall off, you can see who your partner really is—flaws and all. It comes from realizing that you have shortcomings.

“Who starts arguing about what to do around the house, who makes more time for others, or who makes more money,” Murphy says. It’s a stage where you can get very frustrated with each other, because it takes a lot of effort and selflessness to put other people’s needs ahead of your own.”

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Power struggles test your relationship

Arriving at this realization, with its differences, disappointments, and disagreements, is why the power struggle stage is often the most difficult stage in any relationship. “New couples are always on their best behavior and are very respectful and kind to the person they are dating,” adds Murphy. “But as couples get used and comfortable with each other, they tend to let their guard down and show a naive version of themselves. Both parties are more concerned about what they want than what makes their partner happy.” Tensions and tempers can build when both partners fight to have their opinions heard and their needs met.

If all this sounds a little gloomy and pessimistic, hold back from packing. Fortunately, there are two kinds of power struggles in relationships: positive and negative. Positive power struggles involve couples responding to each other in constructive ways. This facilitates communication and helps establish healthy relationship boundaries.

Traditional gender roles and unequal divisions of labor can give way to power imbalances, especially in heterosexual relationships. can pose a problem for both of your desires. Unequal sharing of household chores associated with low sexual desire(opens in new tab) in a heterosexual relationship. on the other hand, 2021 survey(opens in new tab) For heterosexual couples, we found that objective differences in power typically do not affect relationships, but how each partner perceives these differences and personal power levels. The study also found that balanced power dynamics were associated with better relationship satisfaction, higher libido, and increased emotional well-being.

Negative power struggles occur when partners fail to communicate their wants and needs in a healthy way or begin to resort to weaponized incompetence. It can lead to animosity and obsession motivated by the desire to

“There’s a saying that you can choose to be right or be happy,” explains Match dating expert Haley Quinn(opens in new tab)“The power struggle stage is also characterized by the need to ‘win’ an argument, with no desire to compromise.” Instead of focusing on day-to-day happiness in a relationship, one can become focused on surrendering to the other.

If you have successfully passed this stage, congratulations! You are building a mature relationship. Otherwise we will break up.

modern dating falls short

But the reality is that many relationships fall through this key hurdle.rising rising Individualism in the current dating environment(opens in new tab) It undermines our ability to form healthy long-term relationships. People are less tolerant of bad relationships and more aware than ever of what constitutes toxic and unhealthy behavior. While this is a positive step, it also means that we are less and less likely to let our partners loose in the name of love in the hope that they will blend seamlessly into our established lives.

“If your partner has this kind of attitude, they may act selfishly in your relationship as well,” Murphy says. It could mean that you don’t want to, or that you’re making plans with friends without consulting with you first, or that they’re always late for dates and rarely show up. Because there are more important things to them than being on time to plan your date night.”

Adopting a “me first” mentality can prevent you from building lasting and meaningful relationships. They usually require selflessness and a willingness to sacrifice for the good of the relationship rather than pulling out the phone at the first opportunity and looking for other options.

We highly expect our partners to play multiple roles as cheerleaders, passionate lovers, and sometimes therapists. Expectations that are often disappointed. Cultural norms have created an environment where it’s easier to cut losses and resume swiping than to stick things out.

How to survive the power struggle stage

However, if you decide this relationship is worth maintaining, Quinn offers advice on how to get through this critical stage. “This is, of course, a matter of balance. Having a healthy degree of self-love and being able to defend yourself is important, not just for romantic relationships, but for all our real relationships. Boundaries weren’t respected.” So I strongly feel the need to be vigilant this time.”

However, learning to communicate and deal with conflict is the only way to earn that long-term relationship status. “You don’t always agree on what you want, but you can communicate without overheating the discussion, consider compromises, and agree to disagree.” If you’re ready, this is a more realistic trajectory for an actual relationship… than the lengthy honeymoon period.”

Remember that power struggles and arguments are a normal part of any relationship. They don’t necessarily indicate that it’s the end of the road or that your partner isn’t the one. Give us the chance to reach the real deal through understanding and proper communication. Mature, long lasting love.